Necking in moving vehicles, is that what they call auto-eroticism?

OK, pardon the sad humour, but one of the best tings I like about Mumbai taxis is how the drivers, mostly, are so encouraging of what the media has taken to calling canoodling couples in the backseat.

The apoplectic moral brigade that is all over Mumbai has thankfully spared the yellow and black cabs; may they never cast their eyes this side and ruin a perfectly good place to neck.

You can easily tell a taxi whose driver intends it to be a vehicle of (physical, at least) love. I have been in quite a few, and their ingenuity never fails to amaze me.

But the cake must be taken by this taxi whose driver has so thoughtfully fixed mirrors on the vehicle’s inside roof. Yes!! Most couples, it is well known, get off on seeing themselves in the mirror while at it, and this driver has helped them in their exertions while the taxi is stuck on the fast lane to nowhere, probably because a cyclist is holding up traffic somewhere. But our couple is oblivious to all that, thanks to the mirrors on the roof!

Most of us have at some time or the other made out in taxis, so one knows that if it gets down to it one will be almost horizontal in the backseat, however constricting it may be. And with the only view from this position being up, mirrors in the roof are a damn good idea, says I.

The love vehicles can be spotted by their elaborate and soft upholstery, are generally clean, smell pleasant thanks to the use of dhoop or even freshener, and at night-time display colourful fluorescent lights.

Personally I have eschewed taxis with young drivers while getting into a clinch, for it’s my belief the young cads have only one eye on the road, the other is glued to the strategically-placed rearview mirror. And while the rooftop mirror is a splendid idea, I don’t get off on exhibitionism, thank you. So I choose my love vehicles with care.

I don’t need the accessories, really. All I want is a clean taxi, with sunfilm on the windows of course, and an old driver who has lost all interest in his libido or that of his passengers. And yes, he has to be uncommunicative too.